Girl just wants to have fun.

Well, I'm awake again tonight when I'd rather be sleeping.  Reflux is the culprit this time.  Went to bed early at 9:30, woke up with reflux at 10:30, so here I am again.  Thinking.  Writing.  I've been told I think too much.  I do.  It kind of runs in my family!  But, I do think too much, don't know how to stop thinking except to be a drunk or a druggie and those aren't options for me.  Addiction reared it's ugly head in my father's life and has affected the rest of us for all of these years.  Nope, not for me.  But, I do have my issues...as you have well seen if you've read any of my posts!  The 'issue' I'm focused on tonight in my sleepless state is that I don't know how to have fun!  Well..there are times when I have fun, that's true, and I'm so thankful for those times....like when I'm watching my kids or grandkids play or tease each other, or when I used to have game nights with my friends.  I've had lots of fun at times.  But, here's what I'm thinking about tonight, it's the times when I SHOULD be having fun and enjoying things, that I feel most stressed!  Let me give you an example:
Thanksgiving!  I LOVE that holiday, but it is one of the most stressful days of the year and I don't want it to be!  If I'm cooking, I want everything to go well, I want the food to all be ready at the same time and hot at the same time and everyone at the table at the same time.  I have let the lack of any one of those components ruin the entire day!  That's foolish!  I should be enjoying the comeraderie, the family!  But, I can't seem to! My mind can only focus on one thing at a time.  Urg, I hate that!

I think the old TV show, Leave It To Beaver, really messed me up!!  I thought that's how a "real" family acted.  I thought everything should be perfect like that show portrayed!  No one got terribly upset, the mommy always was dressed up, even with pearls, while she cooked and cleaned the house,  there was a calm, cool dad always around.  When my childhood wasn't like that ...at all.  And, then when my own house full of kids and a husband working three jobs, didn't portray that perfection...well, I felt like a failure!  I was 'responsible' for the perfection and couldn't pull it off! I thought life SHOULD all be happiness and peace, joy and contentment, the bills all paid, food on the table, the house spotless, the kids perfectly clean and perfect little angels, never a quarrel.  I fell victim to that false reality and blamed myself for being such an awful housekeeper and mother.  I should have been perfect like June Cleaver!  Well, that was foolish.

I wish we'd had Everybody Loves Raymond back then or The Middle. :)  They're a little bit more realistic.....but, then you do have the Osbornes(sp?) or the Kardashians!  Sheesh!  No, I don't watch those and don't want to model my life after them!  I'd LOVE to be the Psalms 31 woman, but I'm not her either.  I feel responsible for everyone being okay and everyone having fun, and everything being perfect.  It's tiring, foolish, and a waste of energy!  I'm just me, a perfect mess. Thank God that He loves messes! But, I would like to start easing up and learn how to have fun again.  As a child, I LOVED to have fun and laugh, run and play!

NOW, back to what I'm thinking about tonight: the cruise Mark and I are taking for our anniversary.  I'm afraid I'll ruin it!!  Want to know how??  By hurrying and thinking I need to be DOING something every minute!  "Mark, we have to hurry, we're going to miss the performance!"  "Mark, we need to move it if we're going to get to the restaurant in time!"  "Mark, look at that whole family having so much fun!Wish ours were all here and could have so much fun with us!"   "Mark, I look awful! I'm too fat! Aren't you ashamed to be seen with me?"  "I can't get into the pool looking like this!"   Get the picture?  UGH! I don't want to do that!  I vow NOT to do that!  This requires a full turn around from my stressful thoughts.  My stress usually comes from negative thinking and from that overwhelming sense of responsibility. With God's help, I can begin new thought patterns, even at my age.  I can let go of the feeling that I have to (or even can) control everything.

Our cruise ship: The Allure of The Seas

So, I'm up tonight praying that I let all of the stress, the burden of being 'responsible', go and relax with my husband, going at OUR pace, and having fun together....not worrying what anyone else is doing or how quickly or beautifully they're doing it. :)  We deserve, especially my hard-working husband deserves, to relax and enjoy our first cruise, to be at peace, to have fun, to eat, and to be free for one full week to do whatever we want to do, to enjoy celebrating our 40 years together.  I will start it with a smile, I'll carry that smile through our activities, and I'll end it with a smile.  I will have fun.  And, if I'm having fun, Mark will, too.

Lord, thank You for your mercy and goodness to us and for this opportunity to go on a cruise for the first time in our lives.  Help us to be good examples of your grace and love and to be at peace, enjoying the lives you've given us. Please help us to make the most of the years, days, and moments we have left on this earth.  Thank you for blessing our babies so much!  We love and appreciate You!