Sometimes it's difficult to know whether other people are underestimating you or whether you are overestimating yourself. Or, is that just me??
Not once, not twice, but many times over these past 61 years, I been hurt to the core because people failed to realize my mental, physical, or spiritual capacity while involved in various activities. My normal way of 'handling' these hurt feelings I've harbored was pouting. Yes, pouting. Of course, pouting doesn't really prove a mental, physical, or spiritual strength....rather it disproves it, thus proving that I am NOT as capable as I thought. Or is that true? Can I confuse you as well as I confuse myself? Perhaps!
It's easy to detect a pouting child...arms folded, lower lip out, sad eyes, maybe stomping a foot. How does an adult pout? mmmm....much the same...being quiet, staying out of the conversation, being sullen. Oh yes, I'm ashamed to say that this has been my M.O. for many a year. However, the pouting can and has too many times, turned into anger. An anger that compels me to tell the offender just exactly what crime he or she committed against me! After all, I deserve better! I am intelligent, capable, mature(really?), eager, willing. Shame on you for not understanding my great worth!
Oivay. If I could turn back time, if I could find a way. Yes, I sang that in my mind. So, reflecting upon my foolishness and childish ways of dealing with 'slights' to my intelligence and capabilities, I would prefer to run far far away to a distant land and hide...never to have to face those who've experienced my stupidity. Sadly, I do not have the finances or aircraft to go to a distant shore to hide forevermore.
My only option is to look myself in the mirror and declare what a fool I see there. Woe is me. A fool and her pride are soon parted. The next step is always to go to the person or people whom I've acted the fool to and apologize. LORD, I hate that!! Do I! But, I've done it many a time. Very humbling experience, that. Very humbing, indeed.
Hey _______, I just want to say I'm very sorry for being an ass. Please forgive me.
Oh, yes, I've had to say that more than once. URRGGHHHH!!! Not my favorite thing to do...but I prefer apologizing to continued concern over my behavior. Sometimes, I have to admit, it would be nice if the other person replied, "Oh, I was just going to say the same thing to YOU! You deserved better!" Rarely happens.
But, live and learn..not sure if this old dog has a new trick still in her, but maybe. Still and all, I wish there were something about me that people could see. I wish they could look beyond my frumpy appearance..the age, the skin, the not fancy clothes, the shyness and see me. I wish they could see my abilities as well as God sees them. Oh well, if I'm there and I'm willing to work, but I'm not used for that purpose, then the burden is off of me, isn't it? Is the burden not then shifted to the folks who couldn't see my potential? Or did they see clearly that I have no potential or skill? I don't know. But, I do wonder what I should do with myself at this stage of my life.
If people write me off for being too old, too matronly, too shy, too stupid, too whatever...does that mean that I am no longer useful to the Lord? to society? Am I to spend my days pulling up weeks and going to Golden Corral with the other golden oldies? And, haven't those same old people been sitting at those same tables for the past 30 years? They look the same! How did I graduate to this old folks club when it looks like nobody else has graduated out of it??? Yuck! I didn't have classes for this. I don't know how to be old! {I can hear my kids say, "Oh yes you do!"}
I don't like it, not one little bit.
I suppose that all I can do is say, "Lord, if there's anything useful in me, I hope you'll see fit to use it for good. If not, please help me find pleasure in being a useless blob of humanity."
This is why I'm awake tonight. So, I'm sharing my rambling thoughts with other insomniacs. I wonder what you're thinking about?
WEEKS should be WEEDS uurrghh
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